Confessions of a Broken Hearted Drug Addict

Life,betrayed me once again. I agree that some things that I have done will never change no matter how hard I try. But I was left all alone, crestfallen and all bruised up in my own pent up feelings. I have always let her self-centered mind magnify my agony. As she walked away from me seeking for love in the arms of another man, I stood still frozen unable to stop my tears that rolled out of my eyes. I was left without a choice but to live on a chemical dependency to hold on to my sanity. Flashback of memory punishing me once again, by making me realize with every beat of my heart that the true emotions were fake, the love was full of falsehood and the care was nothing but just virtual, nothing was real

I realize that my fear,regret and loneliness has engulfed me and I kept drifting away far from reasoning capabilities . I felt all alone in crowded rooms thinking to myself that there is no escape from this state of mind as visions of love and hate collage behind my eyes. Echoes of fading laughter and painful cries kept knocking at the door of my mind. Yes, I realized I am falling like a rock, thinking why in the world did I ever jump , don't know how much longer till I hit the ground. I couldn't tell myself why I kept breaking down, but that was one truth that I couldn't deny. I wondered how I started preferring to be left alone,that is because I really lost control over my acts and the words that I was speaking. I see I am coming to an end realize that there is no turning back now,even if I want to.

I couldn't sleep as every now and then I will feel her presence around me in my dreams. I kept on waking up with a shout and blood thumping all over my face as I'll see her with him in my dreams, kissing his lips with her eyes closed. So I gave up sleep and loved to be in the state of semi-consciousness smelling the leaves burn inside the rolled up papers. When I had to deal with the rest of the world, I use to take a deep breath and hide behind my bravest mask. Inside me I kept admitting to myself that I have lost control. . When I use to stand face to face confront with the man in the mirror I see a man so battered and bruised that has nothing left to fight the rest of the battle called life. All these past years I have passed just loving her from deep within. She was my love my friend and my guardian angel. My only reason to stay alive she deserted me without giving me a reason and I lost my only silver lining in my dark and cold world

I use to be a sane human being , with joy and tears, family and friends, springs and autumns. But my life got twisted as she said that she is happy with some other guy. I started walking one step closer to death everyday I tried to convince her that we both could be happy together. But she to kill my efforts with a merciless negative answer.

I still yearn for her. Maybe I always knew, my fragile dreams will be ruined by her someday. Today I got drenched in own sentiments, to the fathomless depths of my heart filled with sufferance and silent agony, after all these years love is all I have given her. Bitterness of my fate engulfed me, when I kept on listening to her whispers breaking all promises that she had ever made to me. Thousand unknown voices taunting me for the love that I have wasted for all these years.

The toxicity of the drugs, silenced all voices in the head and a strange numbness that faded all pains of the broken heart, wiped all memories of the moonlit night when she held my hand and walked beside me on the road. Gone were the thoughts "oh if i could see the love in her eyes again". I lost the count of days and lost track of time. I never use to recognize anyone. I failed to comprehend whatever anyone told me, but myself, a significant reason to what was the cause of this sublime state of mind, a new inherent passive sense of contentment keeps me from thinking how my blooming garden of fantasy was struck by a lightning making it all burnt down to ashes. Though I see my chances fading and the time slipping out of my hand. I still had a kind and forgiving mind behind the crimson psychotic eyes. But everyone in the world around disowned me and pushed me to a place where I saw no reason to continue breathing and force my existence. I opened my arms and embraced the plan of meeting the truest love who never betrays, Death, who once comes to you never leaves you.

So I rose up from the ground stood on the top of a cliff that I knew had the deepest end and pushed myself from there to break free. Now I see the cliff above and i feel the wind brushing through my hair. Descending so fast that I could hardly imagine. I lost control. Yes I am falling , don't know how much longer till I hit the ground. People will call me coward and a quitter, but I did myself a favor by breaking the chains of in and out going gasp of air to keep the mortality. I am going to embrace the end of my life with an undeniable truth of death. It seems like eternity since I am falling now I cant reverse anything but closing my eyes I recollect everything good or bad that I have done. Don't know when death came and went away , and I see myself now surrounded by a bright white light. Don't know where I'm going, to the soft turf Heaven or the burning Hell, but it can't be more beautiful than the moments she loved me or could not be more painful than losing her